If you gave your inner genius as much credit as your inner critic, you would be light years ahead of where you stand now. Alan Cohen (found on the Internet)
“Yeah, right!” The voice in my head said. “You think you can do this? Fat chance. You’ve never managed to do it before. Look at your track record! No way. You might as well give up right now and save yourself the grief and disappointment.”
Have you ever heard a voice like this in your head? A voice that tries to talk you out of doing things you really want to do? A voice that constantly argues for your limitations?
The fact is, whether or not we are aware of it, we all have a constant stream of evaluations – of ourselves and others – going on in our heads. These thoughts usually reflect the ideas we have learned from our families, our friends, and our culture, and the values driving them reflect the same.
Maybe your inner critic makes comments like this:
“You look ridiculous in that outfit!”
“Everyone thinks you’re an idiot.”
“I’m never going to amount to anything.”
The inner critic may sound as if it is talking to us (in much the same way others have spoken to us) or it may sound like our own fearful, negative thoughts. In either case, the inner critic is largely nothing more than internalized beliefs we have inherited from the world around us. This critic is, therefore, not based on anything real or of value. It is based on ideas. The inner critic often drives us to say and do things that are ultimately not in our best interests…then beats us up for doing so! It is a kind of “heads you lose, tails you lose” scenario that can drive us into a frenzy of emotionally chasing our tails, around and around until we no longer know what we want or who we are.
What then, you might ask, is the purpose of an inner critic? Given that it can be so damaging, why would such a mechanism exist in our minds at all? There are those who believe that the inner critic evolved to protect us. Humans are social animals, and we depend upon each other for survival. Therefore, any threat to our social standing or social acceptance can be interpreted by our minds and bodies as a very real threat, indeed! While such a strong critic can be harmful, its purpose may be in some way to protect us.
The fact is, as cruel as it can sound, and as misguided its approach, your inner critic is in some way trying to protect you. It’s just going about the process of protecting you in a harmful way. And unfortunately, it is a part of ourselves that we have had a lot of practice believing! It’s as if we have exercised our inner critic over and over again…what compassion-focused therapist
Russel Kolts calls “sending it to the gym.” It’s become big, burly, strong, and ready to spring into action quickly!
If we want to break the spell of the inner critic and enter into a calmer, more compassionate and more reasonable space, going to war with the inner critic is an approach that will backfire. We will end up in a power struggle within our own mind, and our body will respond the way it does whenever we encounter a threat. It will tense up, become flooded with stress hormones, and do all of the other things a body does when preparing for battle. A more useful and compassionate approach is to learn to listen to the message of the inner critic while learning to understand that it is reflection of a learned, fearful part of ourselves. Once we have done this, we can work on cultivating an “inner coach” – an inner nurturer, an inner cheerleader. We can work on sending this part of ourselves to the gym by cultivating this inner coach intentionally, mindfully, and compassionately. The idea is to grow the strong, warm, compassionate part of ourselves – to send our inner coach or our “compassionate self” to the gym so that it can offset the inner critic and become a source of strength, warmth, and wisdom.
Below are exercises you can use to begin to grow your inner coach, inner cheerleader, compassionate self, caring committee, or whatever you choose to call the part of yourself that can cheer you on and support you. Eventually it can become as large a presence in your life, and, with practice, a larger part than the inner critic.