Grief is one of the heart’s natural responses to loss. When we grieve we allow ourselves to feel the truth of our pain, the measure of betrayal or tragedy in our life. Sometimes the best way to let go is to grieve. Jack Kornfield, PhD
The pain was stunning.
It was as confusing as it was shocking. I was surrounded by the sight of cheerful, decorated Christmas trees and the joyful sound of carols. Yet, the season I thought I loved so much was becoming a trigger for unexpected, darker feelings. But, why now? My father had died almost five decades ago, after all. Why were grief, sadness, and rage swirling in my heart after so many decades? I wanted my warm, joyful, happy holiday self back…but it seemed she was nowhere to be found.
The holidays are known to be a difficult period for those struggling with grief. It is no surprise to us that those who have recently lost an important person in their lives struggle to make it through the holidays. When we have lost a spouse, parent, partner, child, grandparent, good friend, pet, job, or a life’s dream, the holidays provide a stark contrast to the sadness. And, other grief-related feelings we may hold inside.
What may seem more surprising is that the grief of loss can reappear when we least expect it. Especially if an element of trauma is involved. This may involve all of its attendant feelings including sorrow, shock, anger, and even rage. Even once we believe we have adjusted to a particular loss. It isn’t unusual for our grief to be, at least to some degree, unprocessed for a variety of reasons. Thus, leaving us vulnerable to triggers and symptoms that we hardly understand and no longer associate with the original loss.
The question then becomes: How can we take care of ourselves during the holidays when we are feeling exactly the feelings we don’t want to feel?
- Recognize that difficult feelings are normal when we have experienced a loss. These feelings are especially present around the holiday season when we are surrounded by images of loving families and joyful celebrations. In particular, don’t be afraid to recognize anger as a natural part of grief. It may show up in ways you don’t expect. This may include ways such as irritability when waiting in a long line at the store. This can build as the frustrations at the losses and irritations of daily life can trigger unprocessed grief.
- Honor your feelings, whatever they are. You may or may not choose to act on your feelings. But, you can be present to them and care for yourself during times of struggle.
- Take time to ask yourself every now and then, “What do I need? What do I need right now?” What things can you do for yourself that feel kind, nurturing, and caring at this moment?
- Then, as often as possible, take steps to honor your feelings and needs. You may need to reach out and connect with other people. Or, you may feel the need to have time to yourself. You may even need to rest, watch a movie, take a warm shower, bake cookies, or ask someone to cook for you.
- Allow yourself to cry if the urge comes on.
- Feel free to pass on opportunities for holiday celebrations if attending them feels overwhelming.
- Consider reaching out to connect with people who know, love, and support you, and can hold space with you as you open up about the way you are feeling.
- Understand that your feelings may be intense at times. But, if you honor them and allow them to express themselves fully, they are more likely to pass.
- Your feelings and reactions may feel too difficult to manage on your own. If so, do not hesitate to reach out for professional help. A trained clinician can help you understand and work with the complicated aspects of grief and loss.