By: Sharon L. Werner, MA, LLPC, DP-C
“We just cannot get on the same page,” Jessica said, sighing. “I am at my wit’s end. I think my husband is too harsh with the kids, and he thinks I’m too lenient,” She explained. “I think he’s too ‘old school,’ expecting the kids to respond to his every command with, ‘Yes, sir!’ He thinks I spend too much time explaining why I want the kids to do what I am asking.”
A Look at Parenting Styles
It can be an incredible challenge for parents to mesh parenting styles when they have been raised within differing value systems, as many of us have been. Some have experienced parenting that falls into the category of the do-as-you-are-told, my-way-or-the-highway approach that was popular for many decades. Others may have had uninvolved parents, for a variety of reasons ranging from personality and values to the need to work multiple jobs. We may have experienced a more laissez-faire style or parenting, or we may have had parents who explained the logic of their requests and involved us to some degree in family decisions.
Different approaches exist describing the various types of parenting styles, but most acknowledge that we learn our styles primarily through our own experiences of being parented. One model for parenting styles describes four basic styles: authoritarian, permissive, uninvolved, or authoritative. It should be noted that as parents, we rarely fall completely into one category, and parenting style may vary based on situational factors. However, most parents fall predominantly into one category. These categories are described as being a mixture of control (low or high control) and warmth (low or high warmth).
Authoritarian Parenting Style
Parents utilizing this parenting style tend to expect unquestioned obedience. They may not be particularly attentive their children’s emotions and may experience disobedience as a direct threat to their own sense of authority. This is a “do as I say, not as I do” style of parenting. It is considered an approach that his high in control and low in warmth.
Permissive Parenting Style
The permissive parenting style is a “hands off” style that can be characterized as a “kids will be kids” approach. This is a high warmth, low control style that may be at times lenient; there is little guidance and often few consistent consequences for children’s behavior. Parents may act more like friends or buddies than role models or leaders.
Uninvolved Parenting Style
Low in warmth and low in control, this parenting style is similar to the permissive parenting style in that there is little oversight and involvement, but it is a more emotionally aloof style. This lack of involvement may be the result of many factors, sometimes including lack of knowledge of child development, substance abuse or mental health issues, or simply being stretched between working several jobs and parenting.
Authoritative Parenting Style
Authoritative parents balance warmth with appropriate control. They are likely to be highly involved in their children’s lives. Consistent in setting clear rules and guidelines as well as enforcing consequences, these parents are likely to explain the “whys” of rules that they set and involve children to some degree in decision making.